In the last days of WWII, desperate to change the course of the war, occult Nazis open a portal to hell; this is a classic occult Nazi tactic that will doubtless be familiar to you. Although US special forces eventually manage to close the portal before reality itself is unwritten, something still manages to come through.
That something is a juvenile demon, named “Hellboy” by the remaining allied troops. Initially intended to be a world-ending weapon for the Third Reich, the baby monster is instead adopted by a scientist and taken to the US. Years pass, and the demon becomes a vital asset to humanity, fighting monsters as part of the BPRD (Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defence).
In 2004, occult Nazis are nothing but a distant memory, except – surprise! – they’re all still alive and now they’re back to open a new portal to hell and unleash chaos. Hellboy’s attempts to stop them are hampered by both his complicated personal life and the way that everything he does plays right into their hands.
Continue reading “Hellboy (2004) – Review”
Vampires have existed alongside humanity since the dawn of time – a separate, nocturnal race of predators, building vast hives in service of their queen. For millenia, mankind has waged war against the vampire menace, and now, for the first time in history, there is peace.
Vampires exist only in reservations and will never emerge to menace us again. Priests – super-powered vampire slayers – have been forcibly retired. Humanity is safe and sound in vast cities protected by a benevolent ecclesiarchy that only limits freedom and does dystopic stuff for the good of the citizenry.
Obviously, everything is about to go horribly wrong. Continue reading “Priest (2011) – Review”
Suddenly, without warning or explanation, people are missing. All across the world – from beds and cars and aeroplanes – people are just gone. The clothes they were wearing are left piled behind them; any vehicles being driven have crashed.
Humanity is in shock, struggling to deal both with the aftermath of the disappearances and the resultant chaos. Some think aliens are behind it all, others blame bizarre meteorological phenomena or electromagnetic buildup. Only those who have studied the Bible know the real truth: the Rapture has occurred, God has called his faithful into heaven, and the apocalypse has begun.
Continue reading “Left Behind – Tim LaHaye & Jerry B. Jenkins (Review)”
I would like to begin with an apology. Right now, there are 7 drafts sitting in my review folder. I have indie films to analyze, antique anthropology to bring back into the light, and a hatchet job on Mamma Mia 2 which consumes me with evil joy.
But nothing – nothing – can come before Mission: Impossible. I am totally biased on this topic. I have been nurturing weird fan theories for years, so as well as a review, you are going to have to sit through the internet equivalent of someone sitting at a bar emanating weird smells and muttering to themselves.
I’m probably going to get kicked off the blog for this. Thanks for the excuse to rewatch the series. Continue reading “Mission: Impossible – from I to Fallout”
New York is in danger from gun-wielding ninja gangs, robot samurai, and corrupt scientists. The citizens have only one hope, and no one knows about them.
April O’Neil, a reporter who is more intrepid than her job allows, discovers hints of the existence of a secret vigilante force: a group of ninjas who are also giant talking turtles.
Continue reading “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) – Review”
If, hypothetically, something strange was occurring in your neighbourhood, then you might reasonably want to contact someone about the issue. The question is who?
The answer is four women, three of whom are disgraced scientists, operating from above a terrible takeaway. As the only people who believe in ghosts, this underfunded and distinctly amateur outfit is humanity’s last and only line of defence against the restless dead. It has taken me a while to get round to watching the all-female Ghostbusters reboot. I know that all sorts of people had very strong opinions about its conception and quality, often before having seen it. I was pleasantly surprised by this film.
Continue reading “Ghostbusters (2016) – Review”
Plague sweeps through the land, and there is no other possible explanation than witchcraft. Two battle-hardened crusaders (Cage, Perlman) who have renounced the violence of the Church are given a choice – face execution for desertion, or transport a witch to the abbey of Severac, where her evil can be destroyed. Continue reading “Season of the Witch (2011) – Review”