Why do you watch musicals? If you have any sense, you go for the music and dancing. It is a fatal mistake to actually notice the story, script, or underlying themes.
If you like ABBA songs (yes, you do), then you will enjoy the music and dancing in Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again. If you are a fool like me, and make the mistake of having more than two brain cells, then you will wish for death. Here, in no particular order, are all the reasons why I hated this film. Here, I am very much afraid, we go again.
Reason 1: Foreigners aren’t real
Young white girl decides to find herself overseas? Fine! Excellent! We’ve all done it! Unfortunately, she doesn’t find anyone else.
This chick moves to a new continent and fails to notice that there are, you know, other people there. She literally moves into someone’s house because… well, I guess because it’s there. Just walks right in and makes herself at home. It’s less Mamma Mia and more Manifest Destiny.
And apart from Goldilocks? 90% of the lines go to characters who are native English speakers, despite the fact that most of the action takes place in France and Greece. These poor “ethnic” extras are restricted to clichés. Someone actually uses the phrase “many moons ago”. I rest my racist case.
Reason 2: Because of the implication
Remember that episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, when Dennis takes a girl out on a boat for their date? He explains that it’s a foolproof plan. She’ll definitely have sex with him, because of the implication, but everything is totally nice and above-board (heh). He’s not threatening her. She’s just aware of the implication.
OK, good. That scene happens in this film. Shot for shot. Guy takes girl on boat, guy expects sex, it’s totally fine because it’s just an implication.
How did this scene ever get made? Whoever wrote this film has been living under a rock. I would bet good money that the community of weird bugs under that rock has a terrible sexual assault problem.
Reason 3: Horses are… “symbolic”
It wouldn’t be a musical if it didn’t have creepy sexual undertones, would it? In Mamma Mia: 2 Mamma 2 Mia, or whatever this shitshow was called, that takes the form of a giant black horse. The beautiful blonde girl goes and soothes it in a rainstorm! The men cannot handle its powerful bucking muscles! Please draw your own conclusions, my brain has melted.
Reason 4: Only lonely women eat
We have already seen how the writers of this film are totally unaware of civil rights, feminism, and Freud. Next up: they think fat people are funny! Yes, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse.
This film features – of course – the trope of sad women eating. Everybody knows that good women don’t need to eat. They can subsist entirely on the energy produced by constantly repressing their own thoughts, feelings, and needs. But unhappy women, women without men, must EAT. Preferably cake.
Don’t worry, though. It’s not sexist. We know it’s not sexist because the movie director also made Stellan Skarsgard wear a fat suit for laughs! Glad we cleared that up.
Here are the reasons why I did not throw up all over the cinema screen until after the film was over:
- Excellent cast. The producers of Mamma Mia clearly spent all their money on actors, which is why the script was written by a bunch of pro-Trump sewer rats on MDMA. Special mention to Andy Garcia and Cher, who can make anything almost bearable.
- Nice music! Fun songs! Dancing!
- In one scene, there’s a really cute guy playing the double bass.
Save yourself from terrible pain and just buy the damn soundtrack instead.